How porn ruined the first sex experience

If you have an active sex life, you will surely admit that things you see in porn leads to unrealistic expectations. Sex life, as shown in porn movies, might not be as sensual and easy-going as depicted. Unfortunately, people, especially the inexperienced ones, fall for these illusions. We asked couples how porn might have taught them the wrong lessons, and surprisingly most of them agreed that it not only gave them unrealistic expectations, but also ruined their first sex experience. Here’s what they had to say…

>>Some things you need to know about “hate sex”

​Women always orgasm

“What porn films do not show is that female orgasm is very complicated to achieve. It might take a few seconds for the women to masturbate in the porn clip, but the reality is completely different. Achieving the big-O requires a lot of patience and can take quite some time. In fact, it might not even happen every single time. I was really surprised when I saw that my girlfriend did not have an orgasm when we had sex for the first time”.

​Women always orgasm (via The Independent)

​Ejaculating on her body

“I will have a big argument with my partner if he comes on my body. But porn always shows a woman willingly accepting the man ejaculating on her, which is ridiculous. Unfortunately, that’s what my boyfriend did when we had sex for the first time because he thought that it will excite me to no end. Thanks to all the porn clips he had watched, it totally ruined my experience!”

​People have perfect bodies

“Porn actors always have the perfect bodies – think well-endowed penis, six-pack abs, rounded buttocks and ample bosom. In reality, people might have bulging tummies, uneven boobs and even a small penis, and it is completely normal. Imagine my horror when I saw my boyfriend’s penis for the first time and ended up comparing it with what I had seen in porn movies!”

​People have perfect bodies (via Maxim)

​Foreplay matters

Porn films hardly show any foreplay, nor do they show usage of any lube. They set the wrong expectation that you don’t need any lubrication, be it natural or store bought, before penetrative sex. Trust me, I learnt the importance of lubrication after I had a bad first-time experience”

​Moaning loudly is a must

“If a girl is not moaning loudly, that does not mean she is not enjoying the deed. Not everyone likes to make noises or shout erotic words.”

​Moaning loudly is a must (via Huffington Post)

​When it comes to pubic hair

“It is kind of sexist to see that females in porn movies are always shaved down there, and men are not. Every woman has pubic hair and it is her personal choice whether she wants to shave it or not. Same applies to men as well. I was really upset when my boyfriend cringed after seeing my unshaved private parts.”

​Sex positions are not that easy

“People in porn movies pull off complicated sex positions effortlessly. And surprisingly, many of them are not even possible in real life. I could not even pull off a doggie when I tried having sex for the first time.”

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Some things you need to know about “hate sex”

If you have never heard the term ‘hate sex’, this story is going to an eye-opener. For starters, as the name suggests, hate sex is about having intercourse with someone you don’t like. There’s someone you simply hate and can’t stand. But instead of venting it out verbally, or keeping all your feelings inside, you have an intense sex session (with mutual consent, of course) with them. Since it involves feelings like frustration, disgust and animosity, the session turns out to be pretty rough. And you might just end up having the most ah-mazing sex of your life. Sounds interesting, eh? Read on to know more about hate sex.

>>Here’s reason why December is the best month to have sex

​Say goodbye to frustration?

According to people, hate sex is a great way to get rid of all the angst and frustration you hold for a person. Imagine being passionate, high on energy and emotions on bed for someone you absolutely hate? The sex session is bound to be a steamy yet different experience. It might even mellow down your hatred towards each other. And who knows, the sight of that person may not irritate you that much after the deed.

​Say goodbye to frustration? (via The Brunette Diaries)

​But it might not lead to the solutions you are seeking

No matter how calm people might feel after having hate sex, it cannot resolve any issues. Nothing can replace an open discussion about the problem where you can pour your heart out and find amicable solutions. Hate sex might be a temporary fix but one does not get anything constructive (we are talking about solutions!) out of it.

​Should you do it with your ex?

If you think having hate-sex with your ex-partner will revive your relationship or make him or her forgive you for your mistakes, then you are wrong. It is not a magical wand that will erase all the issues that led to the break-up, right? Hate sex may give a passionate night but not a passionate relationship.

​Should you do it with your ex? (via calgary marriage counselling & mental health services)

​You may feel guilty

If you think there is a slightest chance of feeling embarrassed or guilty after having hate sex, you should back off immediately. You should feel physically satisfied and emotionally drained of all negative feelings after indulging in hate sex. Remember, having sex with a person you dislike should not make you feel bogged down and question your own ethics or morals.

​Set your boundaries

Hate-sex can sometimes get rough. Ensure that your partner is comfortable with that. It is advisable to have a little chat with your partner about their limits. No matter how crazy the situation gets, do not overstep your boundaries. Lastly, using a protection is a must. We don’t need to emphasise on this point more.

​Set your boundaries (via LunchClick)

​Keep this in mind

Before you think of engaging in an intense and wild hate sex session, make sure that you and your partner have a clear understanding about what you are getting into. Sometimes, sex leads to some unexpected feelings, and it might even complicate your relationship. Hence, be clear about the rules of this game and don’t set any wrong expectations. Plus, the deed might lead to satisfaction on physical level but don’t expect anything more out of it.

​Let there be no negativity

The idea of hate sex is to release those negative emotions and vent off all the frustration. But do not forget that it does not mean hatred is good. Don’t think that having hard feelings for someone can always be healed (or rewarded) through sex. In fact, holding any kind of grudges is not the best thing for a relationship.

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Here’s reason why December is the best month to have sex

There is something intoxicatingly romantic about December. The festivities, the weather and the general bonhomie surrounding the last month of the year make us do things, which perhaps were kept pending throughout the year.

The blooming November winter grows intense with each passing day in December. We want to stay a little longer in the warm bed paying a deaf ear to the incessant requests of the alarm clock to start the day. The magic in the air makes us hold our partners a little tighter in a cozy hug as we bid them goodbye, but not before planting a kiss and making a promise to return home early from office. Naughty glances are exchanged with promises of a hot night defying the numbing weather.

Among all things, having sex with your partner, which is always a pleasurable experience, can become more passionate. Thanks to the weather and the festivities that December brings!

>>Some sex secrets women want men to know

​The festive season

Celebration is another name for sex, isn’t it? (via Napa Valley Register)

It’s time to let the colour of Christmas (red) melt the blues of the year. Also, the New Year is just a month or a day away. It’s time to complete the promises we made, to heal the wounds we gave. Celebration is another name for sex, isn’t it? And what could be a better way to pay tribute to December than making tender love to your partner?

​Because the weather is meant for…

Soaking up the warmth of a fireplace, as you snuggle with your partner, and never worry about what lies ahead is only possible in December. Let the amber of the fire melt all your worries and bring you closer. Do we really need to elaborate what will happen next?

​The last month

December is the best month to have sex (via Greatist)

Who would not like to make the most out of the last month. It’s time to meet your friends, mend broken ties and do things which have remain unaccomplished throughout the year. As the curtains draw on the year, the tendency to make your love making sessions steamier grows with every passing day.

​Vacation sex

Everyone goes on a vacation in December (expect the poor souls who sit behind their desks and spend the festive season writing stories about how to have an enjoyable time!). Exotic location and good food coupled with great weather make it a perfect recipe for a hot session in the bed later. Interestingly, people tend to have more sex when they are on a vacation (we really don’t need a research to prove this, do we?).

​Aphrodisiacal food

We tend to eat more aphrodisiacal food during winters (via Save the Carrot)

Believe it or not, we tend to eat more aphrodisiacal food during winters, even without realising what they are capable of doing. For instance, chocolate is a great aphrodisiac, and no Christmas or New Year celebration is complete without a rich and sinful chocolate cake. Mostly, all the foods that are meant to keep us warm also have aphrodisiacal properties, for example, spicy food (chilli is one of the culprits here), red meat etc. But who is complaining when you can have so much fun (and sex) after eating such good stuff.

​Best time to complete your relationship goals!

Let’s take you back to the beginning of the year when you frantically make New Year resolutions, which sadly are never meant to be completed. Somewhere in that long list, a few might have penned down their relationship goals for the year. This is the month, the last month, to complete those. What are you waiting for, stop reading this and go grab some condoms (don’t forget a tube of lube!)

Happy December!

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Some sex secrets women want men to know

Seven sex secrets women wish their partner knew…

>>Why you should wait for marriage to have sex?

A good talk is a great aphrodisiac

Many women find a good conversation to be a great turn-on. For them, talking and feeling loved are very important. Good conversation during walks or while the couple is relaxing can be prove to be a great aphrodisiac. A man could tell his woman how much he loves her, which acts as a reassurance that he is with her mentally during those intimate moments.

Women want to be praised

Women want to be praised (via Men’s Fitness)

For a couple that has been together for long, sometimes it is natural that women may feel that their partner may find them less alluring. Because of this some women undress only under the cover of darkness. Caring men can sense such anxieties. There is no need to lie and say she’s gorgeous if she isn’t, nor is there a need to say that she is not attractive anymore. One can always appreciate and praise what you do find attractive.

For a woman sex isn’t separate from rest of her life

On the other hand, men tend to compartmentalise, feeling that stressful aspects of life can be parked mentally and separated from sexual activity. Women need good feelings and experiences during the day to have satisfying sex. How her lover treats her out of bed, greatly influences her response in bed. Inattentiveness, harsh language, rude tones, hurtful words, and criticism can make it difficult for a woman to get involved, feel enthusiastic and be passionate during sex.

An orgasm is not a necessity

An orgasm is not a necessity (via Reader’s Digest)

Many men feel that a good lover is one who can bring his woman to climactic sexual culmination. It is great to have such moments, but aren’t always essential. Many women feel pressure from partners and even from themselves to reach an orgasm. Sometimes instead of having orgasms, women prefer to engage in just foreplay.

Sex need not be a serious act

Playfulness is a great quality. Many men are far too serious about sex. They forget to laugh, be romantically mischievous, have fun. Playfulness and light-heartedness can make intimate moments enjoyable and relaxing. This takes performance pressure off from both partners.

Women cherish non-sexual touching and tenderness

Women cherish non-sexual touching and tenderness (via Playbuzz)

Women love romance, cuddling, hand-holding and kissing. But many women complain that their men never do this except during foreplay. A woman should make her man realise the joy of touching. As you give him a relaxing massage and stroke his face and hair tenderly, he starts experiencing the joy of this kind of non-sexual touching. Tell your man what makes you feel loved and wanted.

Warm attention after sex is important

A woman’s need for tender moments goes beyond the actual lovemaking. Some women complain that men fall asleep immediately after the act. It is true that when a man is having sex, his endorphin level is very high. Almost immediately after ejaculation, he goes through a refractory phase where he loses his erection and all his systems gear down. In females this phase happens gradually. However, if you don’t like him falling asleep immediately, tell him without putting him down. Alternatively, let him sleep in your arms for a few minutes and gently wake him up afterwards.

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Why you should wait for marriage to have sex?

Seriously, if you had to answer that question, what’s the first thing you’d say?

>>5 Things Men Should Never Say To A Naked Woman

Having sex before you’re married can make our friendship less powerful

Sex is a powerful force. It is physically amazing (or at least it can be), and once you start, it’s hard to stop. It seems like that’s what you should be doing all the time.

And many couples, once they become sexually active, find that their relationship does now revolve around sex. Instead of finding other things to do, they stay in. Instead of socializing with other people, they jump in bed. And what happens? They lose their friendship. In fact, studies have shown that the level of emotional connection you’re at when you start having sex tends to be the level you stay at. Sex gives you an artificial feeling of intimacy. Then when you get married,  you realize your relationship is shallow, and it’s harder to get it back on track. It’s better to build that emotional connection early!

Having sex before you’re married can make our friendship less powerful (via The Psych Professionals)

A relationship can’t survive on sex alone

You need other things to keep you going. One of the benefits of not having sex while you’re engaged is that you’re forced to find other things to occupy your time. You talk, and find out about each other. You find hobbies or sports you can do together. You go biking, or hiking, or you play golf. You volunteer together. You DO something.

Once you get married, you settle into a routine. You go to work. You come home. You have dinner. You watch TV. You go to bed. You have sex. The problem is that, for women especially, you’re not going to want to make love unless you’re also connecting on different levels. And sex should be the culmination of the relationship, not the basis of the relationship. Sex should flow out of your friendship, affection, and companionship; your companionship, affection and friendship can’t flow out of sex. We need to feel connected first. But so does he. For sex to be meaningful, it has to be two people who truly love and want to be together. But how do you know if you want to be together if you don’t really know each other? You can have sex a ton and not really know each other, because you’re not doing anything else.

A relationship can’t survive on sex alone (via Yo Vizag)

That’s why we have that period, in engagement, to get to know each other. And the habits we develop then will carry over. If you’ve been helping out at church together, you’ll keep doing that. If you’ve been hanging out with your siblings, or with your friends, then you now have friends you can spend time with together. If you’ve been biking, you know you like doing that together.

But if you’ve been doing very little of anything at all, what is going to hold you together once you’re married? You need to have a friendship; you need a reason for that connection. Sex can’t be that. And couples who have learned how to build their friendship beforehand do much better in the long run.

Sex cements you together, when perhaps you should stay apart

Another woman wrote, “I confused sex with love. I thought that since we were having sex, we were bonded and meant to be together. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have married him.” Sex gives you a false sense of intimacy. When we have sex, we release the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, which makes us feel close to the person we’re with. We start to experience those fluttery feelings, and the wistful longing for that person.

Sex cements you together, when perhaps you should stay apart (via Scholarship Points)

But it doesn’t mean it’s based on anything real. Many people have “fallen into” marriage because they’ve been having sex and it seems like the next logical step. But while the physical side of their relationship accelerated, the rest of it didn’t. And now their friendship is stunted and it doesn’t look like they can build it up again.

You don’t know how to make love

Sex is supposed to be about connecting you together on all levels. When you have sex without the commitment, you take the bonding part out of the equation. And it’s very hard to get it back. So it means that sex, once you’re married, won’t be the powerful emotional force that it can be for others. It’s still focused primarily on the physical, and not on the rest. The emotional is not the primary consideration.

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5 Things Men Should Never Say To A Naked Woman

Love can be messy – especially the sex part. But to straighten things out, sometimes you have to start a difficult conversation. And that’s fine, if you do it with tact. “You have to develop the vocabulary to talk about sensitive issues,” says sex therapist Arlene Goldman. “It will help you please your partner.”

In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy found that communication is the most critical factor in a couple’s success – it’s even more significant than the sex itself. That’s why you should pause before you open your big mouth and say something you’ll regret. We talked to the experts to find out how you can ace the talks you’d rather avoid and still come out on top (or bottom, whichever you prefer).

>>5 unexpected health benefits of orgasms

“That orgasm seemed as fake as Trump’s hair.”

Don’t accuse her (via Universal Headlines)

Don’t accuse her, says psychologist Eli Finkel. Instead, have that talk away from the bedroom. When the topic comes up naturally, say, “You don’t ever need to fake orgasms with me. I want our relationship to be totally honest.” You’ll foster mutual respect, in and out of the sack.

“Not now, thanks. I’d rather just read my book.”

You’re allowed to be tired, but make sure she knows you’re surprised, too. Try, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m too exhausted”, says Finkel. Then ask for a rain check – say, for the morning – and tell her you’ll do anything she wants. “Reassuring her is important,” Goldman says. If she knows you’re still interested, she’ll give you a pass.

“There’s something really weird I want to try with you.”

Congrats – now she’s wary. “If you say, ‘I know this is weird, but . . .’ your partner is bound to feel conflicted,” Goldman says. A smarter way in: “I’m curious about bondage. What do you think?” By starting a conversation instead of forcing her to say yes or no, you give her time to think. She’ll see that you view the act as a way to connect, not control.

Things men should never say to a naked woman (via Cheap Nude Heels And Pumps 2017)

“I’ll enjoy it more after you take a test.”

The message she hears: “I suspect you have an STI.” That’s not exactly a turn-on. So flip the script: tell her you want to get tested for her sake, and ask if she’d be willing to do it with you. If you frame the suggestion as something the two of you can do together, says Goldman, then she won’t feel accused.

“Is that supposed to feel good? I don’t like it.”

Say this, and you’ll look like a dick. Instead, show that you’re eager to improve, too, says Goldman. Ask, “What do you want more of or less of in bed?” You’ll learn something about your own game, and when it’s your turn to share, she’ll be all ears. One trick: sandwich the complaint between two compliments and it’ll go down even easier.

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5 unexpected health benefits of orgasms

While we all know they feel great, orgasms can also help you sleep better and even be more social.

>>Queefing – interesting things you need to know

They can curb your appetite

One benefit of orgasms is that they stimulate the release of oxytocin, which is also known as the love hormone. To give you an idea of how potent this little hormone is, one study found that mice that had been bred without the oxytocin gene displayed a significantly enhanced intake of carbohydrate solutions. The release of oxytocin may also shift our motivational behaviour from a desire to eat to a desire to reproduce. Oxytocin also counteracts anxiety and depression by lowering cortisol concentrations, which is well known for its role in boosting belly fat and cravings for carbs.

They can curb your appetite (via Reader’s Digest)

You may boost testosterone levels

Although it’s commonly said that you need testosterone to have a libido, it also works the other way around. Sexual function is a lot like lean muscle — if we don’t use it, we lose it, along with the hormonal benefits that come with it.

The jury’s out on whether orgasms themselves cause a spike in testosterone, though many studies have shown increased testosterone in women after sex, with some pointing to an association between testosterone, orgasming, sexual desire, and relationship commitment in women. When present in the proper balance, these hormones add fire to sexual desire, give us more sex appeal, improve mood and memory and can even (again) prevent abdominal fat. You don’t need to have a partner to tap into these benefits. Research shows that men and women who have orgasms that are masturbation-induced also experience small increases in testosterone.

Some pre-coital cuddling, however, is also very important. Scientists at Simon Fraser University measured the level of testosterone in women before and after sex, cuddling and exercise. Although the women’s testosterone was higher both before and after sexual intercourse, cuddling gave the biggest testosterone boost of all.

Orgasms help us sleep better

Help you sleep better (via The Amazing.info)

Oxytocin’s ability to reduce our cortisol levels may create an overall feeling of relaxation and even sleepiness for some. Vasopressin, another chemical associated with sleep, is also released during orgasm. Because of oxytocin’s location in the paraventricular nucleus of your hypothalamus, an area of the brain that is essential in regulating sleep and arousal, it may play a role in influencing sleepiness.

If you’re frustrated that your partner goes into snooze mode immediately after the act, you may want to rethink what it means and just join them instead. According to a recent study at the University of Michigan and Albright College in Pennsylvania, the tendency to fall asleep first after sex is also associated with greater partner desire for bonding and affection.

Enjoy an enhanced sense of smell

An orgasm also releases a hormone called prolactin, which causes stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s olfactory bulb (or smell centre). In women, prolactin is known to surge after sex, during pregnancy and while breastfeeding.

While research shows that the magnitude of prolactin-increase following intercourse is 400 percent greater than that following masturbation, you can still reap the benefits on your own. Remember, the greater the prolactin surge, the more satiating the orgasm. To go back on the sleep topic for a moment, it’s also interesting to note that prolactin levels are naturally higher during sleep — another reason getting busy can help you turn the lights out at night.

They can beat inflammation and improve your social life (via Greatist)

They can beat inflammation and improve your social life

Most of us know that a healthy sex life can help beat stress. There are even more great benefits of oxytocin such as lowering blood pressure and even improving digestion — which often goes to the wayside during times of stress. It’s true, they’ve found oxytocin receptors in the gut, showing this powerful hormone can even calm gastrointestinal inflammation in mice, which causes abdominal discomfort.

A study from Concordia also shows that oxytocin makes you feel more social, enhances your trust and improves your bond with others.

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Queefing – interesting things you need to know

Queefing is a totally natural bodily function that happens when air gets trapped in your vagina. But somehow, no matter how often you remind yourself of this fact, it’s still difficult not to blush a little when it happens. Here, San Jose-based Sheila Loanzon, a board-certified ob-gyn, answers everything you’ve ever wanted to know about queefing and explains why you should never be ashamed of your queefs.

>>Five ways to detox your love life

It’s not a fart

Dr. Loanzon says a queef is just the passage of air through the vaginal canal. A queef happens when air pushed in from something like sexual penetration (be it from a toy or a penis) needs to be released from the vaginal canal.

It’s the vibrations from the labia majora that you’re hearing

“The sound comes from the vibrations of the labia majora, which includes the vulva and vaginal lips.” Dr. Loanzon explains. “It’s similar to the sound of flatus, colloquially known as farting, or gas exiting from the rectum, which occurs when the butt cheeks flap together.”

Queef is just the passage of air through the vaginal canal (via Romper)

You can’t control queefs like farts because your butt is just tighter

“The anal sphincter is much tighter and better toned than the vaginal tissue, and therefore can be controlled,” Dr. Loanzon says. “It can contain passage of gas from the gastrointestinal tract, whereas you can’t control your vaginal muscles as readily.”

Certain positions will put you more at risk of queefing than others

Dr. Loanzon says positions, like doggy-style, in which your partner pushes more air into your vaginal canal, can make you more prone to queefing than others. You can also be more likely to queef if you rotate positions too quickly after your partner has pumped air into you.

Depending on your birth history, you may also be more likely to queef

You should never be ashamed of your queefs (via thehypothyroidismchick)

Dr. Loanzon says women who have given birth to larger babies may have larger vaginal canals, which can accommodate more air.

There’s really nothing you can do about queefing

“If you try to contract the vaginal canal to prevent air from coming in, it can cause sex to be more painful,” Dr. Loanzon explains. “If anything, you could try to manage the amount of air going in by slowing down the speed of penetration and using less depth — not having sex hard and fast, jackhammer-style — but it’s probably not that realistic in the heat of the moment.”

Using a lot of lube can mean delayed queefs

Dr. Loanzon says if air bubbles get trapped inside lube, a queef can come out during sex or when urinating afterward.

Don’t be embarrassed by your queefs!

Dr. Loanzon says to remember that queefs are natural. “Just say, ‘excuse me,’ and carry on. And maybe laugh, because that can release the tension. It’s very anatomic so it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Queefing – interesting things you need to know (via Cosmopolitan)

You can queef from doing nonsexual things like jumping jacks, coughing, or even wearing underwear

Yep! Dr. Loanzon says anything that can introduce air into the vagina, like jumping jacks or trampolining, or coughing and sneezing, can also lead to queefing. “Some people also notice when they’re wearing a thong, the labia gets trapped and air can get in that way too. That’s another reason why you shouldn’t be embarrassed, because it usually happens when you’re either having sex, exercise, or wearing clothes, which means you’re taking care of yourself in some way.”

The word “queef” is not a medical term

Who knew! Dr. Loanzon says doctors normally just refer to it as “passage of air through the vaginal canal.”

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Five ways to detox your love life

Dr. Wendy Walsh, author of “The 30-day Love Detox”, offers advice on how to purge yourself of toxic relationship patterns and prime your heart for a truly rewarding connection.

>>10 Ways Being in an Open Relationship Changes Your Sex Life

Dump your fake boyfriends

All those guys you turn to when you’re feeling lonely or need an ego boost are just “fake boyfriends,” says Walsh and they’ve got to go, primarily because they’re wasting your time and getting in the way of you getting what you really want — a real boyfriend.

“Purge all fake boyfriends,” says Walsh. “That includes, Facebook and Twitter flirts and men who you are having ‘loose’ ties with, hoping they will eventually morph into a commitment-oriented man.”

Dump your fake boyfriends (via Thought Catalog)

Stop indulging in wishful thinking

If you think you can finagle a deep committed partnership out of a friends-with-benefits scenario with a guy who keeps telling you he doesn’t want a girlfriend (or wife, or kids) then you may be indulging in a little wishful thinking (okay, a lot of wishful thinking).

“These days so many people sign up for a ‘low criteria’ relationship and then try to shape the system later. This rarely works, ” says Walsh.

Frankly, it doesn’t even work as the plot line of a romantic comedy. Going forward, when a man tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend or wife or “anything serious” believe him. The truth is that he’s not ready for you, so pick up the cheque, wish him luck on his journey toward manhood (it’s going to take a while) and then run, woman, run.

Don’t get physical — yet

Do yourself a favour and don’t make a relationship sexual for at least 30 days (via Palm Reading Astrology)

Do yourself a favour and don’t make a relationship sexual for at least 30 days, says Walsh. Spend the time getting to know the person better and determining whether or not he’s ready, willing and able to perform what you want. The reason for keeping your distance comes down to simple chemistry. Men and women are biologically predisposed to deal with sexual activity differently and while anomalies exist, there are some generalizations that prove helpful. Here’s one: “Men can have sex with the same woman for months and not like her one bit more than he did on the first hookup. Meanwhile, she is often falling in love.”

Rather than blame Mother Nature just protect yourself — in more ways than one. “Sex has big risks for women that are less likely for men. Bottom line, we accept the deposits. We can much more easily come down with an STD, a broken heart (related to our oxytocin production during sex) or an 18-year case of parenthood.”

Have sex, your way

There is no law demanding that you must accept the terms of “hookup culture” if you don’t feel like it, or if doing so has made you doubt the existence of love, commitment and decent, marriageable men.

Don’t fall for the oversexed-relationship marketing around you. Instead, navigate the subjects of sex and love in a way that squares with your interior voice, advises Walsh.

Have sex in your way (via Glamour)

“If we really want to be feminists who seek true feminine freedom, we have to understand our own psychology, biology and sociology better. For instance, every woman comes into the world with a certain biological predisposition for attachment style and then early-life parenting can enliven or suppress that biological blue print. Add to that, messages from our culture about sex, and there’s a lot to tease out in order to know and understand ourselves — to become totally free.”

Though it’s not easy, establishing a personal standard for sexual freedom is preventative too, says Walsh, who believes “acting out other people’s visions for us can be very damaging.”

Make a relationship plan

You plan birthday parties and brunches with friends. Why not apply the same meticulous attention to detail to your desire for a decent relationship? As an exercise in understanding your desires, hopes and dreams, figure out what you want from a relationship, embrace it, and then start to look for an appropriate partner.

“Making a relationship life plan looks at age, education, dating prospects and finances. In the same way that we plan our education and careers, women should be making a relationship life plan,” says Walsh.

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10 Ways Being in an Open Relationship Changes Your Sex Life

If you’re under the impression that being in an open relationship is just “cheating with permission,” get that out of your head, stat. Ask anyone who’s been in an open or polyamorous relationship, and they’ll say it’s about much more than just sex — it’s a lot of communication, a lot of trust, and a lot of checking in with your own personal boundaries. And just like monogamous relationships, no two open relationships are exactly the same.

All that said, yes, being in an open relationship can mean more sex, and it can also mean changing the way you have and think about sex. To learn more, four people who’ve been in open relationships shared how their sex lives changed after ditching monogamy.

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Your partner might introduce you to something you realize you love

One of the great things about having multiple partners is you’re regularly adding new things to your sex life with your primary partner. Lily, 26, was introduced to the idea of kink through her girlfriend, who she’s in a polyamorous relationship with. “Other things that have been integrated are role-play and inclusion of toys,” Lily said. Being open has kept a constant flow of new things coming into their relationship.

You can be more openly sexual

You can be more openly sexual

One of the things Matthew really enjoys about being open is that he can explore sexual scenarios he’d have to avoid if he were in a monogamous relationship. “I’d never had an experience with a guy before and there was an opportunity to hook up with a guy,” he said. “It allowed me to explore that side of my sexuality.”

Jealousy can be less of a thing

With good communication and a clear definition of boundaries, there’s way less room for accidentally crushing someone’s feelings or inciting jealousy in an open relationship. Matthew said he’s seen threesomes cause jealousy issues in monogamous relationships, but in his open, poly relationship, he and his partners have been able to explore such things more easily.

It can be pretty damn liberating and empowering

Both of 25-year-old Emi’s open relationships were with long-distance partners, and she said being able to flirt with guys in her town while having Skype sex with her boyfriend made her feel “empowered and very desired.”

Open relationship changes your sex life

But it can also make the line between “sex” and “sex with feelings” blurry

The big problem Emi said she encountered was that she started having feelings for other people, which wasn’t within the terms of her open relationship. “My feelings lessened for the guy I was in a relationship with,” she said. When this partner came back from being abroad, their relationship ended and she started dating another partner she’d had while he was gone.

Sharing an apartment can get pretty awk pretty fast

If you thought living together with a monogamous partner was tricky, it can be even trickier if you’re open. “Sharing a bedroom with someone who’s also poly can be a bit of a challenge,” Matthew said. Like, just in pure, logistical, “who’s going to be using the bedroom?” terms.

You get better at talking about sex

Noah, 25, said deciding to go open with his boyfriend helped him have more frank conversations about sex, which led to learning new things about each other. “We’re more open about what we want and don’t want. [My boyfriend], for example, likes to be choked, which I’m pretty sure I didn’t know before,” Noah said. “[We’re] more comfortable admitting when we are or aren’t in the mood, and more comfortable talking about people we have crushes on [or] are attracted to.”

You get better at talking about sex

Your risk of an STI is a bit higher

This isn’t to say everyone in an open relationship is having loads of sex all the time. But Lily, 26, pointed out that, from a purely mathematical stance, if two people are having sex with X number of other people, the likelihood of coming into contact with an STI is higher.

It can take the ~pressure~ off sex

Noah said this could just be chalked up to age and experience, but he’s seen a difference in the way he engages with sex since going open with his boyfriend. “Sex has become an activity I can enjoy more freely,” Noah said. “I place a lot less significance on it, in and out of my relationship, and as a result, it’s just easier.”

It can make your sex life with your partner seriously better

All that communication about boundaries and sex and your relationship can be really good for fostering intimacy. Noah said he and his partner saw an improvement in their sex life once they decided to go open. “Nothing is really taboo, and we’re very frank about our likes and dislikes,” he said. “We tried to be before but it comes a lot more naturally now.”

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